Looking for the Carp

Seize the carp! Or the day! Or the moment! Anything that will help make this life of yours richer, filled with love, and acceptance of yourself. This is my little journey to always be on the look out for that carp, grabbing it, and never letting go. This is the only life we have and it's too short for what ifs and maybe laters!

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

7th Carp- Bouncing Back

Hello All! 

First I have to apologize for my absence in the Weight Watcher world. I have been totally ignoring my weight loss journey and in the process have gained back 5 pounds in the last couple of weeks. Or at least I hope it's only 5 pounds, I haven't checked in a couple of days so it could be more. 

Anyways, the reason I have been absent is because I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my personal life. About a month ago, my husband and I received terrific news, we were pregnant! Hooray! I have been off birth control for almost two years but we weren't trying to conceive until recently. We couldn't believe our good fortune and were ecstatic with starting our pregnancy journey. Unfortunately, we only had two weeks of bliss until I started spotting, which turned into bleeding, which turned into a trip to the hospital and confirmation of a miscarriage. As stated in previous blogs, I am a teacher, as is my husband, so unfortunately I had to go to the hospital alone on a Wednesday morning.(He couldn't get the time off from school) After a painful examination, and even a more painful diagnosis, I sat in my car crying for over an hour before I was composed enough to start the 30 minute drive home. It was an early miscarriage so the doctor gave me hope that we could start trying right away, or whenever we were emotionally ready. 

I stayed home for the remainder of the day, letting my body go through the process, sleeping, and watching some comforting movies. (Thank you Disney :) ) Unfortunately I couldn't take more than 1 day to mourn my loss since classes were awaiting, exchange students were coming in a matter of days for a week of activities, and I had to plan for a supply for the week I was away. I feel like the stress of my professional life really impacted the direction my pregnancy took. Because of this, I was detached for the week's exchange, and resentful towards the program. I was so happy to see them get back on that bus and return to Quebec while I could go home and go back to my normal life. 

Now, I am in a better place. I have been getting more work done at school, winding down the year and making sure all my goals have been met. I have had a teaching evaluation which I am pretty sure I did well on. And although I still don't know if I have a job for next year, emotionally I am in a much better place. I am looking forward to the summer months so that I can shed these layers of responsibility and get back to putting me first. This is something I have forgotten over this semester which needs to be rectified. 

My game plan from now onwards is getting back to tracking my food, checking up on my WW community, and making sure that I don't fall into emotional eating traps. I am also going to schedule an hour each night, no matter how busy I am before exams to ask myself what it is that I want to do. Maybe it's reading, maybe it's blogging, maybe it's painting or journaling or maybe it's just sitting and staring out the window. But for that hour, my time is going to be my time. 

Hopefully with this switch of turning all of my energy inwards, instead of directing it outwards, I'll become more balanced emotionally and physically. Then, perhaps, we might get blessed with another miracle that will be healthy and feel safe, wanted, and well looked after. I know now it's hard to be a vessel for another living thing when you are not putting your own needs, wants, desires, and health first. 

What's your carpe?

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